Monday, June 22, 2009

Just Another Hot Summer Weekend

As I am sure it has been noted, I did not manage to add to my blog over the weekend. I could make up many excuses as to why I was unable to do so..... from electrical problems to a death in the family. However the true excuse is that I just did not get to it. It was not that it was not important enough for me or that I did not want to. It was just that I never managed to do it.

There were many things that were happening. I mowed my yard and tended to my gardens. I planted more plants and made sure that my cats were watered and fed. I went to town and ran the errands that needed to be done, and that was just on Saturday. Vince was off visiting his dad with his brothers for Fathers Day and later his daughter came out to celebrate with him.

I hate to say it but Father's day holds no importance to me. I wish it did, truly I do. I have to say that I do appreciate the "daddy" of my grand kids - Kylie & Brexton. Jon may not be the biological father but he has proven himself so much more. I would rather have a daddy over the other any day. I am happy that they have that.

The man whom I knew as that man was far from a daddy. He is the reason that I don't celebrate the day, at least not in a personal way. Through the years I have learned to deal with the memories he left me. Memories of drunken nights and hideous outbursts. Memories of nights of fear and relief when he was finally gone. Memories of all the little tidbits he shared with me in regards to his feelings towards me. Not the normal ones of his love and support of me or his belief in my ability, but of the lack there of.

I will say that he did give me one thing. In the end before he passed, I went to see him one last time. It was a visit to try and convince him in his last days to be near to his family, especially his brothers and sisters. He refused to do so. Yet he did give me the opportunity to have closure with all that had occurred in the earlier days of my life when he was present and also the times when a positive presence from him would have been beneficial. He did not say anything. No apology or words of compassion. He sat in silence as I was able to voice to him my feelings.

I am thankful that it was not a moment of anger or raised voices, just the chance to say my piece. It was that night that he passed. My father did not give me much, in fact he gave me very little, but that last gift he gave me meant alot. It has allowed me to let go and move on. To not live in the past and dwell on the things that I did not have because of him. This does not mean that I was not affected in some way by my childhood, but I was given the chance to resolve it.

So to me... Fathers day is just another hot summer weekend. I look forward to the days when my own sons have their children, whether human or rabbit form. (This is a personal joke). I look forward to seeing the fathers they become. I can only give this one piece of advice, as a little girl/grown woman who did not have a daddy. There are times when I am sure that a child can aggravate a man. From the constant why questions to the messes they seem to find themselves in. Yet know this that a little girl looks to her daddy for security and for love. She looks to him for approval that she is the beautiful little princess and the intelligent young woman she wants so much to become. Never take for granted the influence you may have over her or him for that matter. Although I can not speak from a male point of view.

A little serious for my second entry.. Did not mean to intensify so quickly... hopefully tomorrow will find me on a lighter note. Til then enjoy the evening... and hug the one you're with.


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